I just sent an email to NBC. I don’t do it very often, but I enjoy sending letters to large companies when I have something to contribute. Partly I do it because I have an idea, suggestion, or complaint, but I also do it just to see what will happen. Most of the time I get a real response from an actual person, but I don’t think this will be one of those times. Here is the letter I just sent through NBC’s Contact Us Form:

I saw some of the cast of Heroes on Ellen this morning and Masi Oka lamented that he didn’t have a new witty answer to the question: “If you could choose a real-life super-power what would it be?” It seems to me that if he had a list of good answers he could just pick the next one on the list for each new interview he had. I made up a list for him in case he wants to use it:

1) Utility Belt Man- “I always have to go back into my house two or three times when I go anywhere because I don’t remember all the stuff I need: keys, cell phone, whatever. So my power would be teleportation… but only for my stuff. In the blink of an eye, everything I needed for the day would appear in my pockets or on my utility belt.”

2) Super Gopher- Would instinctively know in advance what the people he was about to see wanted. Could show up at work with just the right type and number of coffees. Could always bring the perfect hostess gift, and always buy the perfect Christmas presents.

3) Mr. Perfect Timing- Always know precisely how long it will take to get somewhere even with bad traffic. Know precisely when to start a project, or cooking a meal to have it be finished at the right time. Be able to deliver that hilarious comment at just the right moment for the big laugh (may have to team up with Mr. Perfect Comment on this one.)

4) MacGyver- Almost needs no explanation. Can make or repair anything with the strangest assortment of unrelated everyday objects.

5) Mr. Good Times- Can mix the perfect drink and bring a party to life, even if all the necessary ingredients aren’t around. Can also select the right song to make any moment shine. (Gets a lot of work in the entertainment industry selecting soundtracks.)

6) Psychic Chef- Can tell exactly what the client wants to eat even if the client doesn’t know themselves. (Thanks to my friend Kate Fogelberg for this one.)

7) The Handwriter- Can write so beautifully that he can mold people’s minds, if they will only read what’s written. Can also write at incredible speeds, so fast that if he’s not careful the paper can burst into flames. Hires himself out for check writing for serious shoppers during the holidays, and to boy scouts who need help lighting the campfire.

8) The Human Radio- Can pick up any type of transmitted signal, whether it be radio, tv, cell phone, Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, or even radar.

9) Captain Help Desk- Communicates with the machines. Can fix any computer or technology problem. Computers love him, and always work when he’s around.

10) The Atheist Aesthetist – Has unfathomable aesthetic abilities. Can arrange any room to look incredible. Can create enthralling artwork with no effort. Can even make mesmerizing beats and music. Has ongoing crisis because he doesn’t believe in God and also doesn’t know where his seemingly divine powers come from.

Feel free to use these under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License (http://creativecommons.org/about/licenses), and thanks for making a great show.

About a millisecond after I sent the letter I got a form response from NBC that included this paragraph:

Since we cannot accept unsolicited scripts, show ideas, or other creative material, any such submission by email will be deleted without being read.

That’s great. “Deleted without being read.” Thanks for telling me that AFTER I spent the time writing the letter and sending it to you.

So Masi Oka, if you actually read this, the jokes are yours. Since NBC apparently deleted my letter already, this seemed like the next best way to contact you. Keep up the good work on Heroes.